Dearestunknown’s Weblog

Im so scared
Im trying not to cry
What will be left of me?
Will I Die?
Will i lose my hair?
Will you still be able to see me beauty inside?
Or will only the monster thats taking over me be visible?
I’m scared,
and i’ll admit it.
I’m scared
about the life i may not live
Im scared
and i feel so alone.
I dont want any of you to see me go.
You dont need to see me like that
When I am sick and filled with despair
I wont be me anymore
I’m scared and i’ll admit it
I’m scared
Ive never been this way before

so that awful visit to the doctor has made me aware of the fact that i have cancer. pretty much sucks. and if that wasn’t enough i lost my internet so alas i have not been able to write in my lovely WordPress weblog….for sad. Here i am however and i will try to make these visits more frequently so you know what what nots of my always adventurous life. Ive got backstage passes the the upcoming rock band live tour so I’ll try to get some pictures for my highly fictitious audience. peace and i hope you ll are getting the sleep that i cannot seem to achieve.

~D

I Had a doctors appointment today..

I am really not a fan of doctors by the way.

I had a double lazer treatment which basicly shoots 2oo little lazer blasts into your face useing two different types of lazers. I know the correct spelling is laser but lazer looks more scary.
THEN
i had to get five moles removed from the left side of my body, the doctor and nurse thought it was funny being that i am left handed and the only ones that needed to be removed were there, i didnt find it quite so funny especially when they took a needle to my throat SEVEN times. Was deffinatly not friends with them for a while after that. I am one of the biggest babies over needles due to an accident i had when i was little. A lot of salt and blood later i have to get one of them coterized (the one in my hair on the back of my head of course) that hurt a little.

And now im home feeling sick as a dog and not sure why. lame. i didnt loose THAT much blood.
okay enough of my whining im ready to write something real. Ta for now.

~C

post script, Dreaming of rainy days in Australia

I want so much out of life and i don’t know how to achieve it.
its so frustrating.
I just want to be doing what i love which is one of the easiest things to accomplish for me, though i seem to keep getting caught on things.
its as if the fates really do exist,
and the catch ups are them showing me i am going the wrong way
and steering me away from someone else’s meant to be.
I feel so responsible for people im not even sure love me.
I somehow became the mother in the relationship and she my child.
I have the lefty curse but things shouldn’t be that reversed.
I try so many things to get away but i keep getting pulled back to the same starting line.
Unlike most people i really don’t care about finding love,
and that i believe is because its never really touched my life
and it needs not to for a while.
But I am however incredible aware of my mortality.
I wake up every morning thankful that ive been given another chance to get it right,
and curse sleep every night knowing that i didnt and that i may not wake up and get another chance.
Doctors have given me this hope,
they’re so kind.
I try my best to be happy at all times
but after another one of her all to frequent teenager like tantrums
i cant help but to be a little morose.
I of course need someone to talk to,
or at least the fictional audience that i tend to write to.
I wish this once that they would respond however
because i really don’t know what to do
and need to know that someone out there may understand my anguish.
I just want to lead a happy life, when did that become to much to ask for.
They say it only feels this way because i am young and that it’ll be better when im older
and to just give it time.
But they all look back on these time as the best of their life making me believe that it just gets worse,
that and the fact that i might not get the chance to be older.
as the year comes to a close and the days keep ticking i get more and more fearful.
Do you feel this way?
I know ive just got to find a way..
i know what i need just not how to get it.

~Dearestunknown

post script, flying pigs forever

Drive four hours just to stand in the sun for eleven hours
to stand and stare on a hill
to stare at you
One of the best days of my life
I look at you i see you and everythnig freezes
i cant see straight
cant talk sense
i am gone lost in my own world
so much that a day later i am still reeling
when you looked and smiled
did you even see me?
when you said hi didnt you notice?
did you see the panic as it gripped my body?
as i fought for words, or even to remember how to speak
like it does for no one else but you.
cause i could see you,
it felt like i could stare into your soul
i think its just your eyes that have that effect,
and im not the only one who’s fallen victim
of this assult of the mind and heart
I dont want your body
i want you friendship
i can see that your one of the ones
you dont want to loose
The frustration inside me is unbarable
one day i know we’ll be friends
kindride spirits from the start
I hope that my heart isnt betraying my head
im sure its not
music = life
be eco friendly
recycle
recycled hearts tonight
tomorrow im over you

~D

p.s heres some photos of my day 8.8.08
we love those 8′s 8088506